Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
ttyl tear gas
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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