I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
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