I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
