I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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