WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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