I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Randomize
