Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
