i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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