you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
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I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
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I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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