Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
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