it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Randomize
