no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Everyone says I win the strip club
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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