are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
