I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
