But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
