Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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