did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
We had to coat check the pizza.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
