Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
