Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
