apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
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So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
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I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
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