I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
