My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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