Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
