The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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