that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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