You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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