i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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