I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
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I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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