I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
cat food counts as protein by the way
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
