you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
