My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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