I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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