I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
