I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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