His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
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