A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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