Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
