i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
