When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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