I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right