and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
25 Facts Men Don’t Know About Women Until They Live Together
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
it's like heaven, but drunker
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window