Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
