i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Randomize
