On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
