I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
