I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Randomize
