he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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