his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
