The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
