Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
