About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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