I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
