God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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