Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
