Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
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I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
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Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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