my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
