Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
