You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
