After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
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After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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