I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
